So you know when you’re stuck at a crappy party. But you can’t just leave or you’ll insult the host or make things even more awkward. So as a follow-up to Ashleigh’s latest post, I thought I’d share some ideas on how to escape once you find yourself stuck in a crappy party.

Don’t use the grandpa/uncle/mom/etc had an emergency excuse. It’s played and people will know you’re lying. Try some of these instead:

10 Ways to get out of a bad party

1. Look up dramatically into an upper corner of the room. When asked what you’re doing, say, “Somewhere in the city, a crime is being committed.” Then leave out the window while beginning to unbutton your shirt.
2. Offer to show everyone your “hilarious” impression of someone going in rewind, and then reenact the party in reverse all the way out the door. Don’t return.
3. Take the last thing someone boring says in a conversation, and say, “That’s what my father told me…just before he died.” Let the awkward moment sit for a while, then excuse yourself and walk out the door.
4. While in a conversation, stare at someone behind your back intensely. When the people in the conversation ask what you’re looking at say, “We’re being followed,” then dart out of the room.
5. Feed the dog chocolate, then offer to rush it to the vet when it gets sick.
6. If you’re a chick, play the “Period” card.
7. If you’re a dude, play the “My Girlfriend’s on her Period” card.
8. If there’s an old guy at the party, talk to him alone for a few minutes. Doesn’t matter what it’s about. Then come back looking shaken and tell the group that you just talked to your future self, and he said you had to leave the party immediately or face “dire consequences for future us.”
9. At any point during a conversation, put your finger to your ear as though listening intently, then say, “Ten-four. The package is on the move. The badger wants his honey.” Then run out of the room while reaching into your jacket pocket for a “weapon.”
10. Show up in your underwear, then say, “Aw man, not this dream again!” Then exit.

Hope this helps. And here’s a bonus. Can’t leave the party? Have the party leave you instead.

Five Ways to Empty a Party

1. Respond with “That’s what she said” to everything any guests says to or around you.
2. Say you just got out of prison and are feeling a little “itchy.”
3. Pop in an Emo Phillips DVD.
4. Take one article of clothing off every 10 minutes.
5. Start a prayer circle.